“Don’t let success go to your head. Don’t let disappointment get to your heart.”

Kevin Durant

Almost Perfect

Now I know how the 2007 New England Patriots and their fans must have felt. Having marched inexorably up the hill of history, to do what had not been done, only to fall short at the summit. Yes, I know the 1972 Dolphins are the NFL’s only undefeated team in the Super Bowl era, but that Patriots team would have been the first to do so in a sixteen-game season. There is a reason the perfect NFL season has only been completed once. It’s hard to do. Fast forward to April 5th, 2021, with the Gonzaga Bulldogs also standing on that summit, poised to do what the UNLV teams of the early 90s could not – complete the perfect season in the 64-team tournament era. And as those who tried before had failed, so also my beloved Zags fell one game short of glory this evening.

And now here sits the wizard, haggard and bleary-eyed, running his 50-year-old fingers through his long white beard, sipping on the evening’s second cup of hot coffee – his go-to beverage of comfort – searching for the right words and some sparks of inspiration. Am I disappointed? Of course. History knocked on our door, but Baylor slammed it shut. To be honest, I think it is easier sitting here knowing that my team was simply beaten than to have to bemoan a game that was either stolen somehow or was allowed to slip away. There is no need for excuses. Baylor won in convincing fashion.

I would have preferred a competitive game, but the Bears took control early, and as they have done in every tournament game, they never relinquished it. They were bigger, stronger, faster – better in nearly every aspect of the game. And while it is fair to wonder what Gonzaga’s thrilling overtime victory over UCLA might have taken out of them, if I’m being honest, I’m not sure it would have mattered even if the Bulldogs had brought their A game. Clearly Gonzaga did not play their best, but a lot of that was due to how disruptive Baylor was. They denied the drives, denied the kick-outs, disrupted the passing lanes, and refused to let Drew Timme beat them. So congratulations to the Baylor Bears. They are true champions and deserve all the accolades that come along with their victory.

I would be remiss if I didn’t at least mention that Baylor’s story is as worthy of celebrating as Gonzaga’s. A program in shambles in 2003 when Scott Drew took over as coach, it has risen from the ashes of ignominy to the pinnacle of college basketball. Whilst Gonzaga has been making Sweet Sixteens or better almost every year for nearly two decades, these Bears have barely sniffed the second round, let alone a Final Four, since 1950. And it is very easy to root for Scott Drew and his Indiana connections. In case you missed it, Scott is the son of Homer Drew and brother of Bryce, and if those names sound familiar, they should. Homer coached the Valparaiso team that stunned Ole Miss in the 1998 tournament with son Bryce’s thrilling buzzer beater on a play they called Pacer. (Incidentally, it was the following year that Gonzaga made their first Elite Eight appearance under Coach Dan Monson, led by the great Matt Santangelo.) Bryce went on to coach Valpo himself from 2011 to 2016, Vanderbilt from 2016 to 2019, and now coaches for Grand Canyon who made their first appearance in the Division I tournament this year. What a terrific basketball family this is, who coach the right way, win with humility, and lose with grace. Once again, hats off to the Baylor Bears, worthy champions, indeed. They were tasked with beating the best team, and they did just that.

Random Musings From The Mind Of The Wizard

• One More Year, Please? – I hope that Jalen Suggs will reconsider doing the one-and-done dance and return for another season at Gonzaga. However, I understand it’s a business decision, and the smart people in his life will tell him to collect his millions while the getting is good. Still, with Timme being only a sophomore, wouldn’t another run be sweet?
• These Things Should Come With A Warning Label – The Bible doesn’t say what specific fruit grew on the Tree of Life in the garden, but I am certain it must have been Planters Sweet ‘N Crunchy peanuts. (Yes, I know peanuts are legumes and not technically fruit, but you know write-a the commentary, you no make-a the rules.) On second thought, maybe they were the fruit on that other tree. After all, they are so tempting, and consuming an entire can in one sitting, especially after midnight, usually leads to regret. Full disclosure: I’m about 1/4th of the way through my latest can as I write this.
• Family Makes Everything Better – Our oldest daughter and her husband joined us tonight for wings and basketball. The best part of the evening, though, was simply listening to my family engage in full-on Gonzaga fandom, screaming at the television for most of the night. This saved me the trouble of doing it myself.
• The Party Pooper Award goes to sportscaster Skip Bayless who tweeted on Saturday night, “No idea how you can call that an all time great college basketball game when it was won by a lucky shot.” Really, Skip? Forty-five minutes of the most thrilling college basketball you will ever see, and that’s your takeaway? I recommend not going near anything from or relating to Skip Bayless on Tuesday, and I am certain he will be positively insufferable with the tired old “I-told-you-so” routine. Speaking of…
• No More Whining About Gonzaga’s Soft Conference – That argument died a long time ago. Gonzaga has now been national runner up twice in the last four tournaments. Butler, as you may recall, who played in the Horizon League at the time, advanced to the national championship two years in a row. Most (not all) who follow and report on men’s college basketball now agree that there’s no such thing as “mid-majors” anymore. If Gonzaga’s conference weakness were really such a factor, they would not be regular fixtures in the Sweet Sixteen and beyond. Why I am even bringing this up is that someone told me that the topic was trending on Twitter, that great bastion of truth, how Gonzaga were proven “pretenders” via their beatdown at the hands of a power conference team. That’s a weird take given that they beat Kansas, Auburn, West Virginia, Iowa, Virginia, BYU, Oklahoma, Creighton, USC, and UCLA this year. Get over yourselves, power conference shills. Gonzaga is here to stay.
• The Captain Obvious award goes to our favorite AT&T pitchwoman Lily for her final installment of Lily Uncomplicates March Madness in which she simplifies the “buzzer beater”. “If you want to beat the buzzer, shoot earlier. It’s all about punctuality.”
• I Gotta Get Me One Of Those – I had mentioned earlier the use of Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song as the soundtrack for the new all-electric Hummer EV. In the latest ads, we see that, apparently, both sets of wheels turn, allowing the vehicle to “crab walk” into tight parking spaces. While it is not clear to me how often such a function would actually be useful, just being able to show that off to your friends would be totally legit. It’s appropriate that those ads are narrated by LeBron James, because I have no doubt only he could afford one.
• OK, That Was Pretty Cool – If you missed the pre-game monologue by Mad Men’s John Hamm, it was surprisingly good, kind of like those surprisingly great rates you get from Jake from State Farm. If you would like to check it out, you can do so here. My expectations of anything coming from such Hollywood types are cynically low, I will admit, but this particular piece was on point and both a perfect retrospective on the season in spite of COVID and a preview of the game about to be played.
• The Monster Mash – I took the time to watch the latest monster flick, Godzilla vs Kong while waiting on the Final Four. Having now watched the gamut of monster movie reboots from the last six or seven years including 2014’s Godzilla, 2017’s Kong: Skull Island, 2019’s Godzilla: King of Monsters, and the aforementioned 2021’s offering, my conclusion is that I cannot keep track of who the good monsters and bad monsters are anymore.
• Can We Do This Every Year? – It was totally cool having the entire tournament in the great basketball state of Indiana. Can we do it that way every year? Minus the COVID bubble, of course.

Final Awards

Ok, enough rambling. It is time to hand out the 25th Annual Jeff’s March Madness Contest final awards.

• The Top Prognosticator award goes to the contestant who picked the most games correctly with original picks. This year’s winner is Zach Richardson with 42 correct (excluding re-picks) and finishing in 119th place. By way of comparison 2019’s winners had 52 games correct, which goes to show how crazy this year’s March Madness truly was.
• The I Love This Awesome Scoring System award goes to contest runner-up Caleb Hand whose 2nd place finish came despite picking just 26 out of 63 games correctly, re-picks included! Once again, this proves that my contest is not about picking the most games right. It is about picking the right games right.
• The I Hate This Stupid Scoring System award goes to Tom Burkholder, who despite having picked 44 games correctly (including re-picks), which was tied for second best among all contestants, finished in 78th.
• The If At First You Don’t Succeed award goes to Emily Pollastro who picked more games correctly using re-picks than anyone else with 11. Emily finished 238th overall.
• The Houston, We Have Liftoff award goes to another Emily, Emily Wuchner, who rose from 712th to finish 47th. Emily will receive a free ride on the upcoming SpaceX all-civilian space mission.
• The Biggest Loser award, sponsored by Slim Fast, goes to Luke Koebele, who suffered the largest position drop of the contest from 46th to 668th, and to Maureen Proffitt, the contestant suffering the biggest drop from the top 25 – 23rd to 627th.
• The Jane, Stop This Crazy Thing! award goes to Connie Randazzo, who was as high 26th and as low as 698th only to finally finish in 57th. Connie will receive a one-of-a-kind collectible animation frame of George Jetson.
• The A Funny Thing Happened When I Was Entering This Contest Just For The Commentary award goes to perennial contestant Amy Dailey, who texted me halfway through tonight’s game to remind me that she knows nothing about college basketball and typically finishes 400th or worse, but she discovered that she was 54th and had Baylor as her original national champion pick. Amy finished a stellar 15th, the position vacated by yours truly when Gonzaga lost.
• The Maybe You Are Trying Too Hard award goes to my daughter, Ashlyn Little, who complained this evening, “I am always trying to say funny stuff around you, but you never give me an award.” Ashlyn finished in 458th and will receive a book of Dad Jokes to help sharpen her humor skills…or at least to tell jokes that Dad thinks are funny. And while I’m on family members…
• The Don’t Patronize Me This Year award goes to my wife, Heather Little, who complained that the only mention she ever gets is the obligatory “and behind every good man is a good woman” pat on the back, love-ya-babe epilogue in the final commentary. Guilty as charged. Heather finished a respectable 108th and achieved her annual goal of beating Brad Schafer, who finished 204th and has already received at least one award and shan’t receive more.
• The I Watched All Of March Madness, And All I Got Was A Seventh Child award goes to the happy couple Jonathan and Kasiah Hand, who welcomed their seventh blessing from God into the world on National Championship Monday. Jonathan definitely benefitted from the new baby boost, finishing 17th overall. Kasiah didn’t enter this year because she was too busy giving birth…or something. I hear they named him Baylor in honor of the occasion. Nah, I’m just kidding. They named him Grant. Congratulations!
• The Rookie Of The Year award goes to Clarence “Hoosier Buddy” Todd, who finished 14th in his first year entering. As Mr. Miyagi would say, “You beginner luck.”
• The Child’s Play award would normally go to the winner of the 12 and under age bracket, but since that is 2nd place overall finisher Caleb Hand, who has already received an award, this year’s award goes to the second place finisher and cousin (I think…there are so many Hands in this stew I honestly lose track of how they are all related) Bryce Hand, who finished 10th overall and, as mentioned in a previous commentary, was rewarded with an appendectomy last week. Those Hands are spending a lot of time in the hospital, methinks.
• The Teen Queen award goes to Kris Davis, aka “colgate toothpaste for the win idc”. Kris wins the 13-19 age bracket and finished 8th overall. By the way, it is not clear to me if this Kris Davis is the same Kristen Davis who won this award in our last contest in 2019, but if so, congrats on defending your title.
• The Still Getting Used To Adulting award goes to the winner of the 20-29 age bracket, John Randazzo, who finished 3rd overall. John also gets the One That Got Away award for IGNORING (or perhaps forgetting) the re-picks. That’s right, John finished 3rd, just 18 points out of first, while making zero re-picks.
• The 30-for-30 award, sponsored by ESPN Films, goes to the winner of the 30-39 age bracket, Brenton Colton, one of the Cru Crew. Brenton finished 32nd overall and will receive a copy of my favorite episode of ESPN’s 30-for-30 film series entitled Broke.
• The Don’t Call Me Old award goes to the winner of the 40s age bracket, Brock Zagel, who finished 5th overall, which I’m fairly certain is his best finish ever. Brock also receives the Most Personally Insulting Alias award for his “Picked Baylor to Bag the Zaggs” offering. By the way, “Zags” only has one g.
• The Half A Century award goes to the winner among those in their 50s, a group both my wife and I have joined since the last contest in 2019. This year’s winner is actually the overall contest winner, and so we will give the award to the second place finisher in this age group, Todd Sample, who finished 7th overall.
• The Where’s My Hurry Cane award goes to the best finisher in the 60 and over age bracket, who finished 4th overall and, incidentally, had the best winning percentage if you include re-picks at .730, or 46 games correct.
• The I’m Going To Win This Contest Sooner Or Later goes to 6th place finisher Jason “O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A spell it with me” Snyder. See what I did there?
• The Number 9 award goes to 9th place finisher Nancy Spyksma. Nancy will receive a copy of The White Album by the Beatles.
• The annual Yellow Lines And Dead Skunks award goes to the contestant who finished exactly in the middle of the road, 367th place finisher Paul Maunu.
• The Your Reign Is Over award goes to 29th place finisher and defending champion who enjoyed an extra year’s reign thanks to COVID, Shelly Schrimpf.
• The Better Luck Next Time award goes to last place finisher Stacey Dean.
• The Hey, Respect The Stache award goes to 81st place finisher Matt Hand, who felt it necessary to use his alias to denigrate Drew Timme’s signature moustache and post-dunk celebration. It’s true they were out-muscled, but that’s beside the point. (Matt did pick Gonzaga, so that counts for something.)
• And finally, the Gold Medal, Lombardi Trophy, Claret Jug, Checkered Flag, Grand Poobah of Prognostication, Copper Fit Deluxe Mask of Glorious Victory award goes to this year’s winner, Mark Knutsen. Mark barely broke .500 in terms of winning percentage, but he collected enough bonus points from Ohio, Abilene, ORU and two wins each from Oregon State and Syracuse to put him over the top with his original pick of Baylor as national champ. Congratulations to the grand champion of the 25th anniversary edition of Jeff’s March Madness Contest.

That’s All Folks

And so ends the saga of the tournament we weren’t entirely sure we would have, but are grateful that we did. Once again, I thank you all for making this experience what it is, a fun and memorable way to share my favorite sporting event with 700+ of my closest friends. It is my sincere hope that this silly little thing, with my inane ramblings full of typos and misspellings because I’m too tired to proofread, have brought you some joy and lightened your load at the end of what has to be the toughest year many if not all of us have faced in a very long time. Thanks again to the many generous folks who contributed to the expenses of the contest. It is never expected, but always appreciated.

Until we do this again, hopefully with no masks and arenas full of screaming fans, mascots, and pep bands, may the Lord bless you all with good health, safety, and prosperity.

Warmly,

The Wizard Of Whiteland

“That was one of the best games I have ever seen.”

Jay Bilas

I have to keep this one on the short side, friends. Let’s start with Baylor vs Houston. Baylor won by like a billion. Nothing to see here. Moving on.

And then, there was the game of the night…the game of the tournament…and quite possibly, one for the ages. Prior to tip off of the Gonzaga vs UCLA instant classic, essentially every pundit, sportscaster, analyst, writer, and armchair hoops hero including yours truly said that the only chance UCLA had was to keep the game in the 60s or low 70s (everyone except, notably, Clark Kellogg, who said UCLA needed to match Gonzaga but maintain control of the game, which they essentially did). Forty-five minutes and 183 combined points later, everyone watching sat either in stunned silence and rose up in glorious disbelief as Jalen Suggs banked in a 43 foot heave at the buzzer to keep Gonzaga’s hopes of a perfect season alive for one more game. As I have revealed without apology on many occasions, I am a Gonzaga fan and apologist, and for 45 minutes, I was in agony. “Not like this,” as the famous meme quotes Switch from 1999’s The Matrix was running through my head. Not UCLA again. Then Suggs hit “that shot”, and my son Graham and I shouted so loud we scared the sleeping dog who came running to rescue us from whatever danger had surely come upon us.

I do not have all of the stats and superlatives that undoubtedly testify to the validity of the “best Final Four game ever” hype being bandied about. I do know that both teams combined to shoot a scorching 58.2% from the field, the best ever in a Final Four game except for the 1985 national championship between Villanova and Georgetown. I also know that the game had nineteen lead changes, the most of any game in the tournament this year. While I am thrilled that Gonzaga won, and will never apologize or abide an asterisk being placed on the game is if they were “lucky” to win, UCLA was just phenomenal and deserves high praise. Johnny Juzang made a believer out of me, and Cody Riley, Jaime Jaquez, and Tyger Campbell are no slouches, either. That being said, tonight belongs to Jalen Suggs, Drew Timme, Corey Kispert, and Joel Ayayi. They stand one game shy of history.

A final word on the upcoming national championship game. For all the drama we have seen in this year’s tournament, we are ending up exactly where we should, with the best two teams in college basketball, not just for this season, but perhaps for the past TWO seasons, meeting in the final contest. Both teams were poised for deep tournament runs last year before COVID canceled everything. Both teams were ranked #1 and #2 in the polls for most of the year until, again, COVID through Baylor a curveball that dropped them temporarily. In case you missed it, these two teams were supposed to play on December 5th, but again, COVID killed that appointment. So, here we are, a literal date with destiny. It doesn’t always happen that the best two teams play for the championship. It is that nature of any tournament format. But this year, they will. Neither school has ever won a national championship, though both have played for one. For Baylor it was 1948, a year after my parents were born when the tournament had just eight teams. For Gonzaga, the memory is much more recent, when they lost to UNC in 2017. A win for Gonzaga will make them the only undefeated champion in the 64-team era and the first since the 1976 Indiana Hoosiers did it in a 32-team field. Buckle up, friends. It should be a good one.

Quick Awards

• The Masked Singer “Take It Off” award goes to Emilia Grunden, who has obviously been reading the commentary and used her alias to reveal her true identity, or, at least, her first name. Emilia spent a long time in first, but alas, she has been failed by UCLA and Arkansas, and her glorious ride has come to an end.
• The Watching These Games Would Be Boring Without You Texting Me Non-Stop award goes to my good friend Brad Schafer, who entered the contest as Avedis Zildjian for reasons known only to him, and sent me such gems as these during tonight’s games.
  • “Am tired of fawn boy and werewolf babe” – referring to the cherry-vanilla and orange-vanilla Coca-Cola commercials featuring the halloweenish characters.
  • “FWIW we used to have a sheep named Clarice” – said in response to the ubiquitous ads for the series Clarice, based on the chief protagonist from the film The Silence Of The Lambs. How apropos.
• The Call Tech Support award goes to Brock Zagel, who alerted me of an issue with the website loading the Overall Standings report VERY SLOWLY shortly after the Gonzaga game concluded. I noticed, and it seems to be ok now, though I have no idea what the problem was. Brock sits in 30th and hopes to beat the Wizard on the back of his pick of Baylor over Gonzaga. The Wizard is sore displeased.
• The Agony Of Defeat award goes to two, and there were only two – out of 733, contestants who picked UCLA to advance to the national championship game with their original picks. Those two sad contestants are Tim Miles and Isabel Snyder. That UCLA win would have given them 48 points each, which would have put Tim in first place and Isabel in the top 10. To quote the guy from the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup commercials, NOT SORRY.
• And finally, the I Hope This Makes You Feel Better award goes to contest leader and recent recipient of an appendectomy, Bryce Hand. Bryce, it turns out, is trying to make some history of his own, becoming the first two-time champion of Jeff’s March Madness Contest.

Ok, minions. I wish you all a happy and blessed Resurrection Day, and I will see you again on Monday night for the final commentary and awards.

“The Trojans have the size to frustrate the Bulldogs on Tuesday. They have the defense to stop them and the momentum to overcome them. Gonzaga should consider itself warned…”

Dylan Hernandez, los angeles times

Yes, the Trojans had size. Yes, the Trojans had talent in the Mobley brothers, along with an excellent supporting cast. Yes, the Trojans had momentum. They beat Drake by 16, Kansas by a whopping 34, and Oregon by 14. Yet they started tonight’s game with more turnovers than points. Despite the conventional wisdom that Isaiah Mobley’s size would frustrate Drew Timme, he scored at will, putting up a 24/5/3 line. USC never got closer than 17 in the second half, were down as much as 25, and lost by 19. The rest of the Final Four should consider itself warned.

The Gonzaga Bulldogs are now 30-0. They have won 29 of those games by double digits. Only West Virginia gave them any kind of test, losing by 5. The Zags beat Norfolk State by a ridiculous 43, Oklahoma by 16, Creighton by 18, and now USC, the team every beat writer from the Conference of Champions was convinced would be their kryptonite, by 19. Coach Mark Few has brilliantly prepared this team to do what no other has done since the tournament expanded to 64 teams, and that is complete the undefeated season. Yes, there are two more games, and they have to take the court and win them. I cannot guarantee those two wins, but there is one thing I can guarantee, and that is there is no way these Zags will take either opponent for granted, be unprepared, or come out flat. Maybe one of the other three teams will play the perfect game. It has happened before – can you say Villanova beats Georgetown, 1985? But as an unapologetic Gonzaga homer, I am thoroughly enjoying this tournament run. Every game has been a masterpiece.

A Scary Moment

Early in the first half of the Gonzaga/USC game, official Bert Smith spontaneously collapsed on the court, slamming his head hard as he fell. It was a scary moment that suspended play for some five minutes, but all reports are that Mr. Smith is in good health and good spirits.

Another One Bites The Dust

See what I did there? The tournament began with the Big Ten (aka the B1G because they have 14 teams in the conference, which is weird, but, whatever) having nine teams in the field, two of them #1 seeds. Now the B1G has no teams remaining, those two #1 seeds being the only two of the four to NOT make the Final Four.

To say the Michigan/UCLA game was ugly is to insult ugly creatures the world over. (I’m looking at you, Barbara Manatee.) Nine minutes into this game the two times had combined to score just 12 points. For the game, they combined for just 100 points, 25 fouls, and 22 turnovers. Each team shot under 40% from the field, around 25% from three point range, despite jacking up 50+ shot attempts each. UCLA’s Johnny Juzang scored 28 of their 51 points, and the UCLA bench scored exactly zero. To emphasize just how horrid this game was, the Bruins had two separate scoring droughts of at least five minutes each, led by just one point with four minutes to play, scored just three more points in those last four minutes, and still won the game. How does that happen? I’m glad you asked.

This is the point in the commentary where I have to ask the question on everyone’s mind, and that is, “What in the world was Michigan doing on those last three possessions?” In case you missed it, after getting a defensive rebound and advancing the ball over half court, Michigan called a timeout with 19 seconds left to set up a play. They were down one, 50-49. After inbounding the ball, they ran a ball screen for Franz Wagner, who finished the game 1-10 shooting, 0-4 from three, and with 4 points. It was an air ball. Michigan 7 foot center and game’s leading scorer Hunter Dickinson never touched the ball. They never even looked at him. Remember, they were down one. You cannot tell me the best play Coach Juwan Howard could come up with down one, 19 seconds to go, was to try to free up an ice cold Wagner for a long three.

But wait, there’s more…

Michigan fouled Juzang to stop the clock, sending the 91% free throw shooter to the line, where he inexplicably missed the second after making the first. Michigan secured the rebound, now down two with six seconds to play. Another timeout, but this time, they have to take the ball the length of the floor. I can almost forgive the Wolverines for not getting the ball to Dickinson in this case, because there was so little time left on the clock, but the equally ice cold Mike Smith missed another wide open three pointer.

But wait, there’s still more…

The battle for the rebound sent the ball out of bounds on UCLA with 0.5 seconds left on the clock. Michigan ball with one last chance at a miracle. Now, remember, they are down two. They need a tip-in or a catch and shoot to send it to overtime. So what do they do? They put Dickinson under the basket and throw it up to see if he can get it, right? Or they run a screen for Dickinson, right? They do SOMETHING to get their tallest player and leading scorer the ball, right? No, they send Dickinson out of bounds to throw the ball in. To Wagner. Who misses. Again. Game over. I mean, I don’t get paid large sums of money to coach in pressure situations, but, all I can say to that end-of-game sequence is, wut? Why? Why take Dickinson completely out of the play. And please, don’t try to tell me you need the tallest guy to throw the ball in. First of all, UCLA’s tallest player is 6′ 9″, and he had already fouled out. Second, and I know I keep saying this, but Dickinson is your leading scorer. I really just don’t get it.

Hey, I Know That Guy!

The news isn’t all bad for Michigan, though. During the final timeout, as the camera focused in on the team huddled on the sideline, my 15-year-old son, Graham, exclaimed, “Hey, that guy’s on TikTok!” Yes, apparently #0 for the Wolverines, Adrien Nunez, is a TikTok sensation. He never saw the floor in tonight’s game, but at least he has several thousand followers.

Grab Bag

• Go west, young men – This is the first time in tournament history that the Final Four has no teams hailing from east of the Mississippi. Also, UCLA becomes just the fifth 11 seed in tournament history to make the Final Four and the second team to go from First Four to Final Four.
• Be sure to get the shrimp cocktail – TBS/TNT analyst and former NBA superstar Charles “Chuck” Barkley mentioned St. Elmo’s Steakhouse on air as his favorite place to eat in Indianapolis. Later he bemoaned the fact that he would not be able to go, because apparently the media rules say once you are in the bubble, the only two places you can go are your hotel and the game venue. I hear St. Elmo’s does Door Dash, Chuck.
• Avenging Adam Morrison – Tournament historians may remember one of the more epic meltdowns in March Madness lore involving Gonzaga and UCLA. It was 2006, and Gonzaga senior phenom Adam Morrison was surely going to lead the Zags to their first ever Final Four. After leading by as many as 17, Gonzaga wilted down the stretch, and UCLA’s Luc Richard Mbah A Moute scored the final 11 points, including the go-ahead basket with 10 seconds left, to stun the Zags. I can still remember the image of Adam Morrison crying on his knees at half court as a couple of UCLA players tried to both congratulate and comfort him. On Saturday, the 2021 Zags get a chance to avenge that debacle. Something tells me the outcome will be very different this time.
• Where have I heard that song before? – If you’ve seen the commercial touting the introduction of the new all-electric Hummer SUV, you may have noticed the familiar soundtrack. The song is 1970’s Immigrant Song by Led Zepplin, and it shows up regularly in everything from ads to TV shows to movies, most recently, in Thor Ragnarok. (Oh, so THAT’S where I’ve heard it before!)
• Here’s what you’ve been missing – If you’ve been watching March Madness non-stop since Saturday, as I have, you’ve been missing some really exceptional professional tennis. Yes, tennis. If you’ve never seen Canada’s Bianca Andreescu play tennis, do yourself a favor and look it up on YouTube. She’s essentially the young Tiger Woods of women’s tennis, and in her most recent match at the Miami Open vs Garbiñe Muguruza, she made some of the most amazing shots I’ve ever seen on a tennis court. If you like tennis, if you used to like tennis, if you’ve ever played tennis on a Saturday, if you know what a tennis ball is, check out the highlights. You’ll be glad you did, and it will add some diversity to your sports viewing portfolio.

Region By Region Awards

And now without further ado, because frankly there’s been so much ado in the preceding paragraphs already, I give you this year’s region-by-region and other miscellaneous awards.

• The How The West Was Won award goes to those contestants who picked the most games correctly in the West region. The number was 14 out of 15 correct using only original picks, and the winners are Julie Bowen, Ethan Wright, Ted Badgley, and yours truly, Jeff Little.
• The Beast Of The East award goes to the lone contestant who picked 14 out of 15 games correctly in the East region using only original picks, Connie Randazzo.
• The Southern Hospitality award goes to those contestants who fared best in the difficult South region. These folks got 12 out of 15 correct: Alan Klein, Mark Jackson, Ann Barndt, Gabriel Geistwhite, Chris Deaver, and Zach Richardson.
• The Crossroads Of America award goes to two contestants who managed 12 wins out of 15 in the even more difficult Midwest region: Jordan Wolfe and Matthew Muschalik.
• Now that we have reached the Final Four, we have awarded all of the upset bonus points that are available for this year’s contest. There are still a couple of scategories bonuses in play, but there are no upset bonus points awarded for the final three games. Therefore, the winner of this year’s Upset Stomach award, sponsored by Pepto Bismol, is contest leader Emi Grunden who picked 13 upsets correctly for a total of 92 upset bonus points.
• The Four for Four award, sponsored by Wendy’s, goes to the only contestant who got all four Final Four teams correct this year. She did need re-picks to do it, and while a bevy of contestants got three out of four with original picks, Karis Wynn is deserving of the award. Karis will receive her choice of favorites off the Wendy’s four for four menu. (See your Dad, RJ Wynn, to collect on that.)
• The Two Of A Kind award goes to the only two contestants who picked UCLA to make the Final Four with original picks, thus collecting the 24-point scategories bonus: Tim Miles and Isabel Snyder. Incidentally, Tim Miles also receives the Most Ironic Alias award for his alias “B1G W1N. Go Green!!” Tim only received the scategories bonus for UCLA because the B1G L-0-S-T. Isabel rose from 400th to 50th, and Tim climbed from 374th to 45th on the strength of this one pick.
• The Let Me See Your Other Hand award goes to the second member of the Hand family to crack the top ten, Caleb Hand.
• The Truth In Advertising award goes to 11th place minion JR Shrader who accurately reports via his alias, “I’ve been mathematically eliminated”.
• The Top Lobbyist award goes to Nick “How about a shout out, Jeff?” Kusiak, currently in 156th place.
• The Houston, We May Have A Problem award goes to three contestants who picked Houston of all teams to go all the way with their original picks: Ava “Avacado” Dailey, Aleah “Slowly But Surely” Hand, and Katie “Shreddy McShredderson” Muschalik. If the Cougars actually pull that off, these three will collect the ultimate scategories bonus of 96 points and will likely finish 1-2-3.

Ok minions, this wizard is avocado toast. We get a few days off before the Final Four, so until then, have a good week, and watch a little tennis.

“It’s so ridiculous to see a golfer with a one foot putt and everybody is saying “Shhh” and not moving a muscle. Then we allow nineteen year-old kids to face a game-deciding free throw with seventeen thousand people yelling.”

Al McGuire

Tonight’s commentary will be short and sweet…I think. Or maybe just short.

Tournament Trends

As we near the Final Four, I am noticing a few trends emerging in this year’s tournament.

• Poor Free Throw Shooting – How many teams have taken themselves out of contention by virtue of dreadful free throw shooting? Oregon State is the latest offender, shooting a dreadful 11-20 for 55% from the line. May I draw your attention to Houston’s margin of victory, six points. If you want to beat a team like Houston that plays such smothering defense, you have to be able to make the one shot where they aren’t allowed to guard you. The Beavers’ furious second half comeback attempt was thwarted in no small way by their inability to make Houston pay when they drew fouls. And speaking of fouls…
• Offensive Foul Calls – Is it just me, or is every officiating crew simply in love with the charge call this tournament? I don’t have any data to prove it, per se, but it just seems to me that we are seeing a disproportionate number of block/charge calls go the way of the charge. Of particular note this evening was the offensive foul called on Arkansas’ J.D. Notae with 13:38 to go in the game. It was his fifth foul, resulting in his disqualification. All such calls are judgment calls, and when I watched the replay, it appeared to me that J.D. was already in the air as the defender slid into his defensive position. Again, it is a judgment call, and Notae took a big risk forcing the official to make that call so early in the game with four fouls on his ledger already.
• Traveling Not Called – Basketball has been trending this direction for years, and while college has generally been better about enforcing it than the NBA, let’s just say that I’ve noticed a whole lot of walkin’ goin’ on.
• Chin Straps – Oh, wait. Those are masks.

Quick Game Notes

• While Oregon State failed in its bid to make history as the first ever 12 seed to make a Final Four, both Houston and Baylor advanced for the first time in a long time. Baylor’s last trip was in 1950, yes, 71 years ago, while Houston’s last appearance was in 1984.
• As noted in yesterday’s commentary, Houston became the first team ever to advance to the Final Four by beating four double-digit seeds.
• Houston had 19 offensive rebounds to Oregon State’s 7. These opportunities at second chance points were a key to their victory. Houston also held the Beavers to just 17 points in the first half.
• Baylor shot a blistering 53% from three point range compared to 27% for Arkansas. The Razorbacks went through an ill-timed scoring drought in the second half where they missed ten consecutive shots after tying the game at 55.

A Special Award

I have only one very special award to hand out tonight, but have no fear. Tomorrow I will be handing out the traditional region-by-region awards, along with a few others.

Tonight’s Top Nonagenarian award goes to Dotty “Ggma” Charlson, a long-time contestant, who celebrated her 90th birthday this evening (which will be yesterday by the time you read this). Grandma Dotty is doing quite well this year, sitting in 153rd place and getting both games right tonight, albeit with a re-pick for Houston. I won’t reveal my sources as to how I know about her special day, but it might have been one of her several loving family members also in the contest: Bill “Wazoo Spike” Spyksma, Nancy Spyksma, Alyssa Regan, or Elianna Regan. Happy birthday to you, Grandma Dotty, and may there be many more to come!

Until tomorrow night, minions, GO ZAGS!

“A cinema villain essentially needs a moustache so he can twiddle with it gleefully as he cooks up his next nasty plan.”

Mel Brooks

Day two of this year’s Sweet Sixteen provided three blowouts and a barn burner…sort of. Blowouts make the task of writing the commentary more difficult, because I have to come up with interesting and compelling things to say about a game that was neither interesting nor compelling for the most part. I could resort to worn out sports cliches or silly hyperboles such as “They beat them so bad their ancestors were embarrassed,” but let’s see if I can do better than that.

Moustache Madness

I moustache you a question. How is anyone going to beat the Gonzaga Bulldogs? So far they have beaten both Oklahoma and Creighton, two very good teams, by eighteen points each. In today’s contest, Corey Kispert had a lackluster performance, and Drew Timme, he of the handlebar moustache, spent significant time on the bench in foul trouble. The result? The rest of the team extended the lead from twelve to twenty-five faster than you could say Hinkle Fieldhouse. Now, it stands to reason that teams with more size such as USC and Michigan could challenge them, or a team that plays handcuff defense such as Houston, but in truth, this team is so balanced, so crisp, so well coached, and so loaded with weapons, I think that the only team that can truly beat Gonzaga is Gonzaga. Today they became only the third team in 40 years to make the Elite Eight undefeated. They are halfway to the holy grail of an undefeated season. Next up for the Zags…

Did USC The Mobley Brothers?

In the first meeting of two Pac 12 teams in the tournament, the two near-seven-footers Isaiah and Evan Mobley made the poor Oregon Ducks look silly. To be fair, the Ducks did try to mount something resembling a comeback in the second half, but they couldn’t stay out of their own way (there’s one of those sports cliches, in case you’re playing sports cliche bingo at home), committing silly turnovers and just generally seeming discombobulated for the entire 40 minutes. Joining the Trojans in the Elite Eight is another Pac 12 squad…

That’s “Tyger” With A “Y”

In what was clearly the best game of the night, and perhaps the weekend, the UCLA Bruins outlasted #2 seed Alabama in overtime to join USC in the Elite Eight, the first time in history both schools have appeared in the final eight in the same tournament. UCLA’s Tyger Campbell was the unlikely hero in overtime after star player Johnny Juzang fouled out with about two minutes to go in regulation.

This game had a little bit of everything, and I can’t help but believe that the Tide will look back on this one as the one that got away. The final score showed a difference of ten points, but that was due to UCLA basically taking the game over in overtime. In regulation, Alabama missed fourteen free throws, including three missed out of four in the final minute by standout senior Herbert Jones. The game started poorly for Jones, who picked up two fouls in the first 41 seconds and played only six minutes in the first half. Yet despite all of their ineptitude, including the aforementioned atrocious free throw shooting and going 25% from three point range, Alabama managed to tie the ballgame at the buzzer with a stone cold three pointer from Alex Reese. Alas, it was for naught, as the Bruins dominated the overtime to survive and advance. UCLA becomes only the second First Four team to advance to the Elite Eight, the first being 2011’s VCU, who made it to the Final Four that year.

Baggy Britches Be Gone!

One of the more curious moments in the UCLA vs Alabama game came when the referees went to the monitor to review a play to determine who last touched the ball before going out of bounds. Replay clearly showed the ball bouncing off a UCLA defender’s foot and then between the legs of Alabama’s John Petty, Jr., seemingly giving the ball to Alabama, which was the initial call. However, after reviewing the play from about two dozen different camera angles in super slo-mo, it was determined that the ball actually brushed the leg of Petty’s baggy shorts before heading out of bounds. I suppose the uniform is deemed to be part of the player, as the ball was awarded to UCLA, much to the disbelief of Mr. Petty. Alert minion Adam Lamb agreed with my assessment via text message that we will soon see a wave of spandex in college basketball because of this mishap, or maybe those 80s-style short shorts will make a comeback.

We Put the “1” in B1G

I thought that Florida State’s size and depth would give Michigan trouble, but the Wolverines had no trouble at all with the Seminoles. In fact, I’m not entirely certain that Florida State actually showed up for this game. There was nothing memorable about this game at all, other than the Big Ten’s lone remaining representative and #1 seed advanced easily.

Who’s Left?

The regional semifinal matchups are now set, and a wee bit of normalcy has returned to the tournament. Three of the four #1 seeds still remain: Baylor, Gonzaga, and Michigan. Alongside them we have a #2 in Houston a #3 in Arkansas, and a #6 in USC. UCLA joins a surprisingly long list of successful #11 seeds with a shot at the Final Four, and the field is rounded out by the true Cinderella, #12 seed Oregon State. With the Pac 12 sporting a 12-2 record in the tournament (13-2 if you count UCLA’s First Four victory), and the fact that no Pac 12 team has lost to anyone outside their conference so far in this tournament, one has to wonder if the Beavers will make history by being the first team seeded higher than 11 to make the Final Four. It will be a tough task for the Beavers. Houston plays their own style of basketbrawl, winning games in the 50s and abusing teams with suffocating defense and excellent shot blocking. I know I repeat myself, but Houston can make the final four without ever having to play a team seeded better than 10.

In Other News…

Those subway commercials featuring the NBA’s Jason Tatum and Draymond Green make one thing abundantly clear: those dudes have extremely large hands! Folks, they are holding footlong subs in one hand, and they look like magic markers or something. I don’t know about you, but I need two hands to eat my footlong meatball marinara. Anyway, the ads present an apparent grudge match between team Jason, whose sub features bacon, and team Draymond, whose sub features steak. Which is it for you? Bacon or steak?

Also this just in via my wife, Heather Little – the great toilet paper shortage of 2020 may be making another appearance in 2021, but it has nothing to do with COVID-19. File this one under truth is stranger than fiction. Apparently, the supply chain is facing a serious interruption because a cargo ship has somehow managed to get stuck sideways in the Suez Canal. How does that happen, exactly? Admittedly, I know nothing of piloting giant cargo ships, and the Suez Canal must be fairly narrow at least at one point, because apparently it is possible for a single ship turned sideways to block the whole thing. The crew of professionals hired to extricate the ship (who knew there were people whose job it was to handle such incidents?) says it will take several days to complete the job, and wood pulp industry experts say this could be disruptive enough to cause shortages if stores do not have sufficient inventory. Far be it from me to cause the next wave of panic buying, but if you are out of TP, you might want to go get a package or two. Don’t squeeze the Charmin.

Finally, I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the cleverness of the ongoing ad campaign for Progressive Insurance featuring Flo, Jamie, and the rest of the gang. One of the latest installments that has been getting heavy rotation during March Madness is what I have personally titled, “Jamie’s Ride Along With Beth”. In it, Jamie plays the part of safe driving observer, promising a discount to the driver, Beth, if she drives safely. What follows is a sequence of hilarious hijinks from Jamie involving pulled pork barbecue, snoring, dubstep, and a pile of trash on the roadside with a sign reading “Free Wood”, to which Jamie asks incredulously, “Who just gives away wood?” The punch line is that Progressive offers an app that performs the safe driving monitoring function, the revelation of which prompts Beth to literally kick Jamie to the curb. I do not know where Progressive got these immensely talented actors, but they certainly hit the jackpot. Progressive has some of the most memorable ads of the last decade. The actor that plays Flo has Eddie Murphy or Tyler Perry level talent, able to play no less than five different members of her own fictional family by herself. Bravo, Progressive.

In Still Other News of the Sporting Type…

In case you missed it, the NBA is a real dumpster fire right now. A large portion of the marquee players are either injured or “resting” on a regular basis, i.e., skipping games for no apparent reason other than they do not want to play. (Side note: if players really need to rest as often as they are now, then the season is too long.) I imagine that the bubble experience of last fall followed by a shortened off season followed by a strangely coordinated and shortened regular season with strict health and safety protocols, teams relocated to other cities (i.e., Toronto has spent the entire season in the Tampa area), and games played in still empty or mostly empty arenas have taken their toll on the collective psyche of the players. I mean, why be motivated to play yet another game in a cavernous, empty or mostly empty arena? That being said, the product in its present form is frankly not very good, and I am not entirely sure what needs to be done, but I am confident that something needs to be done.

As another side, lest I get hate mail from angry NBA devotees, I do not believe that a truly injured player should be forced to play. Not at all. But the charade of having to come up with faux injuries (the ubiquitous “back tightness” comes to mind) to justify players sitting out is becoming a real farce. It almost seems as if the NBA as a organization has forgotten who the paying customers are and what they are paying for, and that is to watch the best basketball players in the world play basketball.

A Few Awards

If you’ve read this far, you’re either really bored, a dedicated contest veteran, or a member of my immediate family. Actually, no. My immediate family members probably stopped reading several paragraphs ago, or they have simply skipped down to this section because, let’s be honest – the awards are what most folks care about the most.

• The Pieces of Eight award goes to the lone contestant who got all eight winners correct this weekend, though she had to use the re-picks to do it. Still an impressive feat, since only one person did it, the award goes to 23rd place contestant Patricia Carson. Patricia will receive an autographed picture of Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow.
• The Be An Original award goes to the contestant who got the most of the eight games correct without using re-picks. That number is six out of eight, and the winner is Zach Richardson, he of the “Sister Jean’s Holy Bracket”. Zach is currently in 202nd place.
• The Demographically Challenged award goes to 8th place contestant Ann Barndt, who emailed me because she was having trouble figuring out which of the age-group-specific Grudge Match reports applied to her. For the rest of you quinquagenarians out there, like Ann and me, the report you are looking for is “March Madness 5-0”. The reason I named it that is kind of a long story, but it is loosely based on the old TV show “Hawai’i 5-0”, but more so influenced by the name of a fellowship group our church had a few years ago for people in their 50s. It was called “Grace 5-0”, and now you know the rest of the story.
• The Upper Hand award, given in honor of the Progressive commercial of the same name in which the previously mentioned Flo appears, goes to 10th place contestant Bryce Hand, current leader among the Hand clan that enters every year. Congrats, Bryce, but your wayward pinky is grotesque.
• Finally, the Hoping To See The Checkered Flag Before I Run Out Of Gas award goes to our still-in-the-lead frontrunner Emi Grunden, whose true first name I still do not know, and whose remaining picks are all re-picks except for Oregon State making the Final Four. While she has a sizeable lead of twelve points, the fact that she has to pay the re-pick tax for every additional game she gets right except that one could allow those chasing her to overtake. An Oregon State victory would be worth a sizeable scategories bonus, though, and could put her out of reach.

Next up we continue with a tournament unlike any other with the regional final games being played on Monday and Tuesday instead of Saturday and Sunday. More analysis, rambling, and awards to come, so stay tuned!

“A beaver is about like the ninjas – the suckers only work at night and they’re hard to find.”

Si Robertson

This was an unusual night in the history of March Madness. As has been previously mentioned, this is the first tournament where three teams seeded 11 or higher made the Sweet Sixteen. Three of them played today, and I’m certain that’s never happened before. Other firsts and quasi-firsts from today include:

• The Oregon State Beavers became the first 12 seed to advance to the round of eight in almost 20 years, and only the second 12 seed to do so all time. Missouri was the other in 2002. The Beavers have been quite busy lately, as the cliche goes. They have won nine games in a row, all of them on the road or at a neutral site. Four of their last six victories have come over top 25 teams. They have made an incredible 51 out of 59 free throws so far in this tournament.
• Oral Roberts was one missed buzzer beater away from becoming the first 15 seed to ever reach the round of eight. Max Abmas‘ open three point attempt hit the rim as time expired, and the Arkansas Razorbacks flashed hand signs (I was going to say “gang signs” but I don’t know that for a fact) and woofed it up like those little piggies hadn’t just escaped by the hair of their chinny chin chins. Arkansas basically man-handled ORU in the second half, pushing, poking, grabbing, shoving and playing very, um, “physical”. Nevertheless, the Golden Eagles, who led for much of the game, never quit, and had a legitimate chance at victory even having to go the length of the court in the final 3.1 seconds. The irony is that despite their physical play, to a man, every Razorback player shouted “AND ONE” after made basket, a practice made infamous by Draymond Green of Michigan State and now Golden State fame, that I personally think should be banned from basketball forever. Nothing is more annoying than a player who thinks he’s fouled if the defender is inside the 6-foot COVID-19 proximity of him. I think if shouting “AND ONE” after a made basket carried a mandatory Class B technical foul, it would probably stop. If I were rule committee chairman for a day, that would be the first one to go in. The second would be that if you change pivot feet, it’s a travel. Oh, wait, that one’s already there, isn’t it? You’d never know it from watching the games I watched today, but I digress.
• In the only game not featuring a double-digit seed, the Baylor Bears overcame a slow start to dispatch the Villanova Wildcats upset bid. The aforementioned Arkansas Razorbacks are going to have their hands full with this Baylor squad.
• Finally, not since the Phi Slama Jama days of Clyde Drexler and Hakeem Olajuwan have the Houston Cougars advanced to the Elite Eight. What’s more, this Houston team will become the first in tournament history to play four double-digit seeds in a single tournament. (They have victories over #15 Cleveland State, #10 Rutgers, and #11 Syracuse. Next up is #12 Oregon State.) It can be argued that their road to the Final Four has been the easiest imaginable. Syracuse could get nothing going tonight, their dreadful shooting resulting in them failing to reach 50 points. Buddy Buckets, aka Buddy Boeheim, the coach’s son, could not summon any of the shooting magic that made him a household name last week, and perhaps the only thing more stifling than that Syracuse zone is the swarming Houston defense they faced tonight.

More Random Rants

• H&R Block’s cheesy jingle doesn’t make tax time any more fun, and dancing “tax pros” are exactly who I want helping me with the annual ritual.
• Reggie Miller is back with us in the context of a March Madness-themed Wendy’s ad. Reggie was a phenomenal shooter. I also happen to think that Reggie is a competent color commentator. What Reggie is not is a good actor, but, nobody’s perfect.
• Lily the AT&T girl is all over the place this year, not just in commercials, but also in cutaways introduced by Greg Gumble as if they are part of the broadcast. Themed as “Lily Uncomplicates March Madness”, they are moderately funny in a cute sort of way, I guess, but what I come away with is the thought that either the desk is too tall or her chair is too short.

Best Alias Awards, Part Deux

After the first week of games concludes and the re-pick round begins, many of you minions switch up your aliases as a commentary on your performance or other matters relating to the tournament. Below are the ones that caught my attention this year.

• The Only A Programmer Will Get It award goes to Ken “I am !Groot” Schmidt, who not only cleverly included my Groot reference in the commentary, but also incorporated some top-shelf nerdiness that only computer programmers are likely to understand. The exclamation point is used in many programming languages as a logical operator meaning NOT, thus, Ken’s alias properly reads, “I am NOT Groot.”
• The Best Crack On the Big Ten award goes to Matthew “Should be the B0G” Risner. No explanation necessary, hopefully.
• The Best COVID-19 Joke award goes to Solomon “Good Picks Still Quarantined” Clair. Solomon is currently tied for 334th.
• And finally, the I Love This Country award goes to Josh “Sold My Tickets – Thank You Capitalism” Pearman. My wife informed me today that Gonzaga tickets are going for a cool $900, but you can get them in 12 easy payments of just $196.95 each.

A Few More Awards

• We handed out another scategories bonus today for the Oregon State victory. That game ended up being worth a hefty 16 points for the ten contestants who picked them with an original pick. In honor of the accomplishment, those ten contestants receive the Eager Beaver award: Caleb Coates, Erica Dunstan, Sam Ellingson, Chris Grunden, Emi Grunden, Caleb Hand, Phyllis Helton, Christina Klinker, Dennis Poppe, and Janet Schweizer.
• The Wishful Thinking award goes to all you haters who picked against my Zags tomorrow. You know who you are.
• The Funniest Thing I Heard Today award goes to my son, Graham Little, who said this when a song came up on his Apple music playlist: “Nah, that song was overplayed back in my day.” To which I responded, “Back in your day? Wasn’t that yesterday?”
• The Living Up To The Name award goes to long-time contestant Skid Booles who despite making re-picks managed to lose all four games today. Now that’s perfection.
• The Not Many Words Rhyme With Eleven But Your Name Sure Does award goes to 11th place contestant Steve Blevins. Steve is on my good list. He picked Gonzaga to win it all.
• And finally, the I Have To Guess At Your Name Because You Didn’t Follow the Contest Rules award goes to Emi? Grunden, current contest leader and owner of a rather cryptic “alias” which, as already stated, she put in as her first name rather than an alias, but hey, rules schmules, right? Not sure what is “lame” that she’s not a fan of, but it shouldn’t be her picks, which have her firmly in first place. It will be interesting to see if she can hold on to her 10-point lead, as she has a number of re-picks in the remaining games.

That’s all for tonight, minions. More witty (or not-so-witty) commentary and round three awards are on the way tomorrow. Go Zags!

“Gonzaga plays in a truck stop conference. Mop up Sisters of the Poor. This is the Conference of Champions.”

Bill Walton

That quote came in a Pac 12 tournament game I happened to be watching in March of 2017. Walton complained that Gonzaga barely deserved a bid to the tournament, let alone a number one seed in the West. The conversation with play-by-play announcer Dave Pasch (perhaps the most longsuffering soul in all of sports broadcasting) went something like this:

Walton – “Arizona and Oregon are better than Gonzaga.”
Pasch – “You know Zaga beat Zona, right?”
Walton – “That was a meaningless game.”

Wut? Oh, the impeccable logic of Bill Walton. That year Gonzaga received the number 1 seed in the West and advanced all the way to the National Championship game where they lost a heartbreaker to North Carolina. The following year, Walton doubled down on his truck stop rhetoric, saying that he was tired of automatic bids being given to truck stops. “Put the best 64 teams in the tournament, please!” While I suppose one could argue the merits of inviting teams likely to be trounced in a 1 vs 16 game (although there was this team called UMBC, but I digress), the fact that Mr. Walton lumped the Gonzaga Bulldogs in with that group is laughably ridiculous.

This year’s Gonzaga squad is reminiscent of one of John Calipari’s Kentucky teams where the second unit would likely make the tournament were they a team of their own. The difference is that these Bulldogs are not one-and-done freshman, but seasoned upper classmen, which should make them all the more terrifying to anyone having to face them. The Oklahoma team they played today is an excellent team, and yes they lead by as many as eight points early in the game. The Sooners’ Austin Reaves is as good a basketball player as I have ever seen. Oklahoma blocked shots, disrupted the Gonzaga offense, made clutch three pointers, and generally played tough, solid basketball for the entire game…and lost by 16 points.

I am well aware of the curse of the undefeated team, and I also acknowledge that I’m the ultimate Gonzaga homer. But this team is special, and if anyone has what it takes to be the first undefeated national champion in a generation, it’s the Gonzaga Bulldogs.

In other news, Walton’s Conference of Champions is certainly living up to that name. Qualifying just five teams for the tournament, and one of those having to play in from the First Four (UCLA), four of the five remain in the Sweet Sixteen. Contrast that with the B1G who qualified nine teams including two of the four number 1 seeds and yet have just one team remaining. When it comes to Big Ten basketball, apparently, the truck stops here.

What A Difference A Day Makes

The first half of the round of 32 games were played yesterday. The average margin of victory in those games was 8.75 points. Fast forward to today where the average margin of victory was an eye-popping 19.25 points! Only one team today managed to avoid being trounced by double digits, and that was LSU who lost to Michigan by eight. Kansas suffered its worst NCAA tournament defeat ever, getting shellacked by USC (there’s that conference of champions again) by 34 points!

To put it bluntly, these games were mostly stinkers that were not competitive beyond the first 10 minutes with the exception of the aforementioned Michigan vs LSU game. Any worries about the Oregon Ducks being rusty having not played their first round game due to COVID-19 issues for their opponent were quickly erased as they hung 95 points on Iowa. Abilene Christian’s Cinderella story ended with their pumpkins smashed by UCLA. Florida State brought their usual line up of very large humans along with the highest dunk total in the tournament to slam Colorado by 18. And the Alabama Crimson Tide rolled over Maryland by 19 on their way to a date with the Bruins.

And Now, A Word From Our Sponsors

If you watch a lot of basketball during March Madness, one thing is inevitable. You will see the same five to ten commercials at least twenty times each. This year is no exception, and I am beginning to settle on my assessment of the best and worst of the bunch.

The Turbo Tax “Free, free free free” commercials are a weak attempt to rip off the cleverness of the pantheon of GEICO ads, and, they are incredibly annoying. There’s only one character I can hear say the same thing over and over and still be entertained, and that’s Groot. The 80s jazzercize dude is no Groot.

The Capital One ads with Sam, Spike, Chuck, and Jim continue to amuse. The new ad where Chuck dreams of going to Atlanta (the intended site of last year’s canceled Final Four) on a train and singing “Midnight Train to Georgia” with Gladys Knight as a member of the Pips is a classic. If you haven’t seen it, once the guys wake Chuck up from his dream and remind him that they didn’t go last year, he asks, “Where are we going this year?” The scene then cuts to Sam, Spike, and Chuck dressed like the Jackson Five and singing “Going Back to Indiana”.

The Hanes underwear commercial where the guy talks about “balance”…just, TMI, man. Seriously.

Finally, the Uber Eats ads that have been running since around Super Bowl time I have found to be largely bizarre and unfunny. I still don’t understand what the faux feud between Mark Hamill and Sir Patrick Stewart is supposed to be about, or what it has to do with delivered food, but, the latest spot with Leslie Jones encountering her year-ago-quarantine self is actually quite funny. “You’re a mess!” “EVERYBODY WAS A MESS!!” Ain’t that the truth.

Random Thoughts From the Grab Bag

• My condolences to the fifteen Oklahomers whose bid at a scategories bonus fell flat thanks to Gonzaga.
• I saw Creighton’s Damien Jefferson do the accidental splits. It looked quite painful.
• Color commentator and former coach Steve Lappas sounds an awful lot like Jeff Van Gundy on air. And he is equally irritating.
• A bag of Starburst Jelly Beans contains fourteen servings according to the label. I have consumed seven servings just while writing this commentary.
• This year’s tournament schedule has me wondering what day it is. Round one started on Friday instead of Thursday and ended on Monday instead of Sunday. The Sweet Sixteen round doesn’t start until Saturday instead of the usual Thursday, and the regional championship games (aka the Elite Eight, a moniker I despise for reasons I can’t explain but have discussed at length in commentaries from years past) are being played on Monday and Tuesday of next week. The only thing normal about this year’s tournament schedule is the Final Four.
• Four double digit seeds advanced to the Sweet Sixteen: ORU (15), Oregon St (12), Syracuse (11), and UCLA (11). No team seeded higher than 11 has ever made the Final Four. Here’s my bold prediction: they still won’t. ORU has Arkansas and then Baylor or Villanova in front of them. On paper, Oregon State has an easier path. They face 8 seed Loyola of Chicago next, and then would have to beat either number 2 Houston or number 11 Syracuse. Honestly, my money is on Syracuse coming out of that region now that Illinois is gone.
• You know those pharmaceutical commercials where they are required by law to list all the possible side effects of the medication? I find it sadistically comical sometimes, especially when the side effects include things like “possible stroke or death”. Anyway, through my own non-scientific study and careful observation, I have concluded that watching roughly 48 hours of basketball over the course of four days and then writing witty commentary on said games and the 730+ people who attempted to pick the winners can lead to sleeplessness, headache, eyestrain, carpal tunnel syndrome, backache, narcolepsy, leg cramps, irritability, weight gain, and hair loss. Please consult your primary care physician before considering assuming the role of the next contest Wizard.

Round of 32 Awards

Ok, let’s hand out some awards so I can pass out for a few days. Remember that the re-pick phase of the contest starts today and runs through 2:30 PM on Saturday, March 27th.

• The Ocean’s 11 award goes to three contestants who got 11 out of 16 of the Sweet Sixteen correct. Yes, picking the Sweet Sixteen was difficult this year. The award goes to Samuel “Don’t Call Me Newt” Gingerich, Jason “Crazy Train” Roehl, and Duane “Don’t Cry” Wolfe. Those aren’t their real aliases, by the way. I just wanted to do my best Chris Berman. Each winner will receive an autographed photo of George Clooney and a poker chip from the Bellagio.
• The Cleveland Browns and Detroit Lions Award For Utter Futility goes to the two contestants who, like the 2008 Lions and the 2017 Browns, went 0-16 in the round of 32. The winners are Paul Smith and Martin Schernus. Gentlemen, the re-pick round was invented with you in mind.
• The My Little Sister Is Now Officially Insufferable award goes to 728th place contestant Karis Wynn. This award will make more sense as you read on.
• The Hey, Who’s The New Guy? award goes to 270th place minion Jeremy Little, the first Little to enter the contest who is not a member of our family (as far as I can remember).
• Finally, the Youngest Wynner award goes to our contest leader, 7-year-old phenom Brielle “Baby B” Wynn. Yes, 732 contestants are being beaten by a 7-year-old kid. Shoot me now.

With that, it’s time for the wizard to step back behind the curtain for a few days. Get your re-picks completed before Saturday at 2:30 PM, and good luck with the remainder of the contest!

“I love sports. When I’m not playing, I’m watching, reading, or otherwise obsessing about them. This probably stems from growing up in Indiana, where if you didn’t at least attempt to play basketball, you were considered of dubious moral character.”

Mark Waters

A day that began with no upsets ended with the second biggest upset of the tournament. Ohio, not THE Ohio State, University advances to the round of 32 by beating the quasi-defending champs. And Gonzaga routes Norfolk State by nearly 50 points.

How The Mighty Have Fallen

The first session of this Saturday was all chalk, but the evening session saw three more double-digit seeds advance to the round of 32. The 13 seed Ohio Bobcats defeated the last team to win an NCAA tournament, the 2019 champion Virginia Cavaliers, or, if you prefer, the Wahoos, whatever that is. As I pointed out earlier, Virginia was forced to drop out of the ACC tournament due to COVID-19 issues, and the entire team had been in hard quarantine for the ten days leading up to today’s game. Ten days is a long time to not practice or workout, and ultimately I think this contributed to the loss. Number 11 seed UCLA beat up on BYU both literally and figuratively, led by Johnny Juzang’s 27 points.

But by far the most stunning upset of the evening was 14 seeded Abilene Christian’s one-point victory over Texas in what could be the ugliest game I’ve seen in quite a while. For perspective, Texas averaged 75 points a game this season. Tonight they could only manage 52 points while surrendering a whopping 23 turnovers against what is statistically the best defense in Division I. The Longhorns appeared to have survived when Andrew Jones made the go-ahead three pointer with just 16 seconds left. I thought the victory was sealed for sure when Texas’ Kai Jones blocked Damien Daniels’ desperation circus layup, but then the ball fell right into the not-really-waiting hands of Joe Pleasant, who was promptly fouled by Matt Coleman…sort of. Anyway, Mr. Pleasant’s free throw shooting is anything but; nevertheless, this 59% free throw shooter calmly sank both shots, Texas’ NCAA tournament run, and 99 contestants’ brackets who had them in the Final Four.

In all, nine double-digit seeds advanced to the round of 32 this year, one shy of the record ten that advanced in 2016. A double-digit seed has never won an NCAA tournament. In fact, no seed higher than 11 has ever made it to the Final Four, though, incredibly, four different 11 seeds have done so: LSU in 1986 (think Shaq), George Mason in 2006, VCU in 2011 (significant because they had to win a First Four game just to get in the field of 64), and Loyola-Chicago in 2018, when we first met Sister Jean.

Power Conferences Power On

The news wasn’t all bad for traditional powerhouses, though. Overall number one seed Gonzaga crushed Norfolk State in a cringe worthy, one-sided affair. The much maligned Big Ten is doing quite well, actually, with a 6-2 record. (Before you correct me, I don’t count First Four games in my contest stats. Yes, I know Sparty lost, and the TV crews are all saying 6-3.) The Big 12 is 6-1 while the Pac 12 is a surprising perfect 5-0. Things aren’t going so well for the ACC, though, with a combined tournament record of 2-5.

Round of 64 Awards

Without further ado, here are the round of 64 awards, formerly known as the first round awards, but now we have to call them something else because of the First Four technically being the first round…or something. The alias awards won’t be given out tonight. I know that’s disappointing, but remember that I have well over 500 aliases to sift through, so please bear with me.

• The Funniest Thing I Heard Today award goes to my 15-year-old son, Graham Little, who after the stunning Texas defeat quipped, “Two of my Final Four are gone, so, Roll Tide.”
• The Top Prognosticator award goes to the minions who picked the most games correctly out of the 32 that have been played this round. That number is 26, and the award winners are Daniel Burko and the pseudonymous Marcus Unrealius. No way that’s his real name, which means he also qualifies for the Rule Breaker award, but, were I to actually award that, the list would be so long I’d get carpal tunnel just typing it out.
• The Upset Stomach award, sponsored by Prilosec OTC, goes to the contestant who picked the most upsets correctly. The round one winner is Steven Diller, who guaranteed himself this award by going with the all-upsets picking strategy, an approach that has often been employed but has yet to produce a winner in the contest.
• The Shoot For The Stars award, sponsored by SpaceX, goes to Johnathan Reynolds, who climbed from 691st to 94th by the end of round one.
• The Your Stock Is Falling award goes to Maureen Proffitt who dropped out of her spot in the top 25 (23rd) to 152nd. The irony of Ms. Proffitt’s contest stock dropping is not lost on me.
• The Biggest Loser award goes to Chris Grunden who dropped nearly 350 spots from 186th to 504th. Chris will receive a free training session from Jillian Michaels.
• The I Rose In The Standings, And It Almost Cost Me My Commentary Shout Out award goes to 639th place minion Lilly Richardson, who I noticed in last place earlier in the day and had already determined to present her with an award, but then she moved up. Nice guy that I am, I invented a new award for her. You’re welcome.
• The Oh Yeah? Well I’m REALLY In Last Place award goes to Stacey Dean. It didn’t seem right to not give this award to the rightful winner.
• The Fantastic Four award goes to 4th place minion Vanessa Sopke, who picked eight of the ten upsets correctly without resorting to the mass-upsets strategy. Vanessa is well positioned for a run at first place going forward.
• The This Is Even Worse Than Your Usual Bad Strategy award goes to Matthew Hickey. A bit of explanation is in order here. Matthew typically takes the all-upsets approach, but this year he decided to throw in Purdue, which earned him the dubious honor of having picked the FEWEST games correctly among all contestants (the number is nine). Ironically, had he stuck with his usual MO, he would have ten correct picks.
• The You Gotta Be Kidding Me award goes to the 62 contestants who picked Abilene Christian to beat Texas. I won’t list all their names here, but I can hardly believe so many people made this pick.
• Finally, the Leader Of The Pack award goes to current contest leader Steven Diller. Though his bracket is a sea of red, his all-upsets strategy is good enough for the early lead. Steven will receive a vintage vinyl copy of the original LP from the Shangri-Las.

With that, it is time to recharge my batteries and prepare for the round of 32. I hope you are enjoying yourselves so far, and if not, remember the re-pick round is just two days away.

“Basketball really had its origin in Indiana, which remains the center of the sport.”

James Naismith, inventor of basketball

No upsets so far today. We had a few games today where it looked like the underdogs might keep it interesting only to have the favorites pull away at the end. In other news, COVID-19 causes its first tournament casualty.

Quick Game Thoughts And Not-So-Random Musings

• In the first half of the Colorado vs Georgtown game, the Buffalos made eleven three point shots. The Hoyas had eight field goals total.
• Eastern Washington gave Kansas all they wanted in their first round match up. The Eagles featured two brothers, Jacob and Tanner Groves, who provided the majority of their scoring. Tanner looks something like a cross between John McEnroe and Grizzly Adams, but he scored 35 points, the 2nd most ever by a player from the Big Sky conference in the NCAA tournament.
• In the most exciting game of the afternoon, the UC Santa Barbara Fighting Three Quarter Length Slacks lost a nail-biter to the Creighton Bluejays. One has to wonder why the Gauchos didn’t call their final time out on their last possession with about 17 seconds left. UCSB’s Amadou Sow missed a point blank half hook that would have won the game in all likelihood, and the Bluejays survive to play another game.
• I don’t remember the exact statistic, but something like 14 different seeds won a game in yesterday’s action, the most ever in tournament history. Is it just me, or does it feel like the lower seeds are a lot better this year? If so, the question is, why? The answer is probably obvious: COVID-19. Many, many of these schools were not able to play a full season of basketball, with some teams playing half of a season or less. This made the committee’s job even more difficult than usual, forcing them to evaluate teams based on wildly different circumstances. If it’s normally an apples and oranges proposition, this year it was apples and platypuses. Add to that recent COVID issues that some teams faced, limiting practice time and even taking some players out of eligibility, and you have a recipe for even more Madness than usual. Speaking of COVID-19…
• That which we all feared has happened as the VCU Rams have been declared ineligible due to health and safety protocols. Therefore, the Oregon Ducks will advance to the round of 32 due to a no-contest. How disappointing it must be for the young men of VCU to have their tournament aspirations dashed not once (2020), but twice. I have a feeling we are all going to be holding our collective breath as the tournament progresses. And one more thought on the COVID topic…
• If the coaches are going to wear their masks as chin straps, why wear them at all? Regardless of your opinion as to the effectiveness of mask-wearing (I certainly have an opinion, but I’ll keep it to myself), I think we can agree that wearing it under your chin accomplishes nothing besides making you look ridiculous. As Mr. Miyaggi would say, you either mask on or mask off.
• Whatever happened to high top sneakers? I frankly can’t believe the modern basketball players almost universally play in low top shoes, which would have been unheard of as recently as 20 years ago. In fact, now that I think about it, in the last 30 years it seems that the shorts have gotten longer and the shoes have gotten shorter.
• That Rocket Mortgage commercial with actor/comedian Tracy Morgan tickles me when it gets to the airplane scene. Tracy says, “I’m pretty sure these are parachutes” as he hands out kiddie backpacks to the family, and the daughter responds with “Mine has a sandwich.” I don’t know why I find that part particularly funny, but every time it comes on I want to go to the fridge and make a sandwich.

A Few Quick Awards

Per my usual custom, this midday commentary will include just a couple of awards. Stay tuned for the coveted Best Alias awards, which will be coming soon.

• The What Is WRONG With You? award goes to all those Cretans who allegedly issued threats of death and bodily harm to Ohio State’s E.J. Liddell via Twitter. Never mind the fact that the Buckeyes were even in the game largely due to the play of Liddell, who was reportedly playing hurt. That doesn’t even matter, though. Even if he went 0-25, cussed out the refs, and got his team disqualified, it still would not justify that sort of behavior. It’s a BASKETBALL GAME. Calm down. It is my sincere hope that anyone found to have made such threats be arrested, charged, and prosecuted in a court of law. There is no excuse.
• The You Should Be Doing My Job – You’re Better At It Than I Am award goes to my grade-school classmate and long-time contestant Steven “Lec Zorn” McAtee. Steven is a great story teller and sports aficionado who always has great things to say, usually in the contest’s Facebook Page. If you haven’t seen his latest contribution, check it out in the comments on this post.
• The Respect The Beard award goes to Jason Roehl who is also sporting an impressive COVID beard. He’s also tied for 99th in the contest.
• Finally, the Crazy Eights award goes to current contest leader Caleb Coates who managed to get all eight early session games correct today.

That’s all for now. Check your inbox in the morning for the Day Two wrap up.